Feeling Alone with the Menopause
“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.” - David Whyte
The feeling of being alone when I went into the perimenopause was heightened by my age and being one of the first in my group of friends to experience it. The more I spoke about how I was feeling, psychically and emotionally, it became evident that others were struggling too; some a great deal more than me. They shared with me that they had sought advice and support through a number of different people, some more empathetic and supportive than others.
In the early stages, I realise I was in shock and unable to speak about what was going on for me. By sharing with friends, I gradually understood more about what was happening and softened towards myself and what I was experiencing. It took time to come to terms with the enormity of what I was going through and this allowed me to see what was within the darkness.
There were many limiting beliefs and misunderstandings that I had inherited. Few of my friends had shared if they were in the perimenopause, perhaps they hadn’t realised they were, and my mother had told me she was over 50 when she went into it and had been symptom free, which further compounded my feelings of aloneness and isolation.
“It took time to come to terms with the enormity of what I was going through and this allowed me to see what was within the darkness.”
Rachel Podger
Undoubtedly, this was a dark and mysterious time for me but what I now realise is that it was a time when I began to get to know my body more deeply. I realise it resembled my feelings of when my periods started. I was both nervous and proud to become a woman and no longer a young girl. In hindsight I’m not sure I ever really blossomed in adolescence and remained fearful of what it meant to be a woman.
This awareness has allowed me to mourn that young girl, who enjoyed her time alone and brave, creative and carefree, she knew how to have fun but didn’t know how to take this into early adulthood.
I hope that now I am in the menopause I will rediscover those childlike qualities that helped bring a smile to my face and brought light into my life and helped me to become the woman I am today. To be brave and see what holds us back, however small these things may be, can seem overwhelming big and frightening, share them with someone you trust, who knows what might you might see.