A theme that I return to when I am feeling tired is one of how to pace myself and learn to be with my tiredness rather than push it away.
When I sit with tiredness, I find a gentleness and compassion towards myself and my slowly ageing body. There can be a narrative around this that is very unhelpful and yet if I stay with this for long enough, I find a depth of connection with myself that is both illuminating and wise; the truth is that I am a woman of a certain age whose needs are changing.
I had put tiredness into a small dark box that was not safe to open.
I write of my connection with Nature and the awareness that this helps me connect with myself and as my pace of life changes, especially with the warmer weather, I realise that I enjoy the slowing down and find time to breathe and enjoy the expansiveness that this gives me.
I had put tiredness into a small dark box that was not safe to open and realise that by altering my perspective I can be with it and become more curious. I don’t have to change my whole life but can little by little alter my perspective and this feels more freeing and exciting. There is then a lightness and joyfulness that enters my being and possibilities feel more exciting and less draining.
As I paused under some trees today, I took time to connect with the sound and movement of the leaves and felt a calmness encompass me. In this moment I let go of the drive I had just completed and arrive in the present. I then became aware of the sound of the organ playing in the church nearby. I immersed myself in the beauty of this moment and felt blessed and re-energised. Coming back to my senses, I realised their importance for bringing a richness and depth to my experience.
In turn, I felt gratitude and my heart lift as I watched Tiger taking her time to sniff and reacquaint herself with her surroundings. Once she had done this, I noticed she then began to say hello to passers-by; once again, she reminded me to take my time, slow down and take in my surroundings. Transitions, of any size and shape, are important to recognise.
I immersed myself in the beauty of this moment and felt blessed and re-energised.
As human beings, we can easily allow ourselves to get caught up in the doing and not allow ourselves to be; I am reminded of what I wrote about last week as it feels like I am once again catching up with myself.
A day later and the sun has arrived and there is a warmth that feels uplifting and I hope this will encourage the plants and trees to blossom. Even if only for a few minutes, I encourage anyone who reads this to take time to pause and take in this warmth and notice how this feels. I found it so nurturing and life giving and for a moment my mind stopped and I bathed in feeling connected to the sunshine and joy that this moment gave me.
I felt my shoulders drop this morning and I breathed a sigh of relief as it dawned on me that I could relax a little now; as my mother says, and I remember my grandmother before her saying; “I caught up with myself”.
I have been in doing mode since moving home three weeks ago and my mind has been very busy in the driving seat. Today, I have been finding my feet and sense of place and I have found myself allowing more time to breathe and be still. This stillness has allowed me to catch up and alongside my sigh of relief, I have rediscovered my sitting bones which I know help me connect with my breath and in turn give me a feeling of spaciousness.
This stillness has allowed me to catch up and breathe a sigh of relief.
I realise I had been immersed in the practicalities of life and finding places for things. I had overridden my yearning to pause and be in the process of unpacking and chaos which feels at time unmanageable and therefore overwhelming.
The expression give this time comes to mind and I tell myself to remember to breathe and allow space to settle; to trust that I will find a way through this. The feelings of excitement around change and the future that I am creating can then be accessed and nurtured. Shoots of hope and new beginnings can now gently and slowly begin to find their way through the doubts of the unknown.
I realise today, that as I connect to how I feel about having moved home recently, now feels different. Last week I felt so blessed to have the freedom to be here in Barnes and see it through a different lens. Today, I am aware of a deep sadness that is emerging about the loss of my home and I feel this is aligned with an internal change connected to the menopause.
Along with the changes that I have made to my lifestyle, I am aware of a need to pace myself differently. It isn’t that I can’t do what I want to do, it is how I go about these things. With this comes the ability to pause and ask myself if this is what I really want or am I unconsciously being driven by an old and outdated aspect of myself that I’m now ready to get to know in more depth and detail.
Along with the changes that I have made to my lifestyle, I am aware of a need to pace myself differently.
I hope this will allow me to sustain a life of a woman who is as keen and as committed as ever to be of service and engage with more of the potential that I feel is within me. I feel like I can now come home to myself and with this I notice I am more present within my body and to my breath which is akin to an old friend who has just reminded me of his or her presence.
I feel brighter and lighter at this realisation and I am reminded of the river and have an urge to go and sit and watch the world go by. It offers both stillness and movement; a beautiful and powerful combination.
As I drove to work this morning, I began the second day of working away from home. This means a very different beginning to my day and I noticed nerves and a sense of trepidation. There was also some excitement around working in a different space and how I would feel working there. Transitions can be challenging and being in the midst of one and with my mixed feelings brings up so many memories from past experiences of moving and settling in somewhere new.
As ever, I am so thankful for nature and my relationship with it. I am also aware of a different connection that I am feeling with Barnes where I have both lived and worked for the past 15 years; I am now returning solely for work – or so I thought.
I realise I am appreciating all of the green spaces and the river and its movement and vibrant life through a different lens, and this was brought to life so vividly this morning as I shared my walk by video with some Bhutanese children who, for a number of reasons, have been orphaned. Through a dear friend of ours who volunteers at the monastery where they live, we are able to give support to them and this has brought us all in so many different ways a huge amount of joy.
I realise I am appreciating all of the green spaces and the river and its movement and vibrant life through a different lens.
Their faces and sounds of utter surprise and awe at the buildings and views along and on the river were a delight to behold. They had never seen anything like it before and this shared experience brought me to life as I connected with their wonder. Tiger felt the playful energy and managed to find a tennis ball, she too wanted to play and connect with the excitement.
This experience emphasised loss and what it means – a letting go in order to move on and enjoy the moment, with all of its gifts. I feel so blessed to have the privilege to be at this point of my life with so much to be alive for and to be able to share this and be of service to these small children, especially at this time of change, feels deeply moving and heart-warming.
I moved into my flat 15 years ago and am now saying goodbye to it. Soon after I arrived, I planted a new hedge of ceanothus which is now at its most beautiful, purple vibrant self and has never been better. The scent, which I hadn’t noticed previously, is sweet and the bees love it. This fills me with hope and that over time and with love and care, new life can grow and flourish.
I feel so blessed to have lived here and made a home for myself after the sudden loss of my father. I have a sense of him helping me now, as I did immediately after his death, and I feel a mixture of feelings; sadness that he is no longer alive to witness my next stage of life and excited and a little nervous about this move and what the future holds.
My father helped me believe I was capable and strong.
What I do know is that my father helped me believe I was capable and strong and his playfulness encouraged me to embrace life with curiosity and light heartedness. This reminds me of my Mindfulness practice and to use my techniques and all that I have learnt to be in the moment and to experience all of my feelings and remember that I carry all of my memories within me. They will help me co-create a future that is different to the one that I have had in this home and one that is shared with the person that I am blessed to have re-met at this later stage of my life.
I am also aware that I may want to find a slower pace of life after moving as moving home requires a great deal of energy!
